For those unfamiliar, the Internet is a series of underground tubes that connect everybody in the world together through their computers. Lonely? Start a video-chat with someone across the globe — it only takes a couple clicks. Log on to find a find a hot date. Looking for a block of exotic cheese to share on that hot date? Shoot your order down into the tubes, where it zooms under mountains, past sharks in the ocean (this is why they call it web-"surfing"), through volcanoes, to ExoticDateCheese.com and, bam, cheese on your doorstep by Wednesday.
Today, there’s really nothing the Internet can’t do. It’s an international melting pot. And that was especially evident last weekend, during the Oscars.
If you’re anything like me, you’re a smooth, stylish bad boy with hopes of one day owning a motorized scooter with sidecar, which you plan to fill with a dog wearing goggles and a leather skull cap. But, more on point, you also don’t have cable. You just can’t justify dishing out the extra dough for a couple hundred channels when you could get thousands upon thousands of Netflix Instant titles for a few measly bucks, instead.
The downside here, of course, is that you can’t watch live events, like the Olympics, the Super Bowl or the Academy Awards. But thanks to the Internet, you no longer need to.
Scrolling through my Twitter feed Sunday night (follow me on MikeCav_), I felt like I was on the red carpet myself — and I imagined me wearing a bold but fierce powder-blue tuxedo, with a long slit down the pant leg, just to get the pundits talking. Twitter was buzzing with seemingly nothing but play-by-plays of the ceremony — but not from any news platforms, mind you, from friends, and strangers, and critics, and The Onion, which are obviously much more trustworthy.
Winner announcements, analysis and insight traveled at me from the show at the lightning speed of snark.
“THIS JUST IN,” my Twitter account told me. “Jennifer Lawrence just tripped on her Best Actress walk-up!”
“What!?” I gasped, clutching my chest for air.
“But that’s not all,” it leaned in close. “Get this: Kristen Stewart’s hair — barely brushed. And her posture? Don’t get me started.”
After a few updates like these, I was appalled, but informed. The best part about the Internet is that it allows you to never, ever feel out of the loop.
At one point in the show, Michelle Obama made a cameo, for some reason.
The sound production during Adele’s “Skyfall” performance was tinny and unacceptable.
During his Best Actor speech, Daniel Day Lewis cracked a killer joke that had the whole house roaring.
And keep in mind: I know all of this without watching a single second of the show. But keep that part between us. Remember, the whole point of the Internet, of being connected to the rest of humanity in such a powerful and immediate way — besides skewering celebrities, of course — is to know more and be more relevant than your friends. Those disconnected goons probably waited all the way until Monday morning to dissect Seth MacFarlane's hosting job to their coworkers and friends — and by then, let's be honest, who cared?
As for Day Lewis’ joke, you ask? Oh, no idea what he actually said. But my virtual pals were pretty clear: It was a laugh-riot. And believe me, they’re credible. After all, they’re the same ones who astutely noted that “Les Miserables” Makeup Artist Julie Dartnell looked stupid in her pink tights.
BY MIKE CAVALIERE | ASSOCIATE EDITOR