- April 19, 2024
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Rev. Pam Stewart heads up a grief-counseling program through Vitas and Tomoka United Methodist Church, meant to help residents through loss during the holidays.
BY WAYNE GRANT | STAFF WRITER
The season of “Joy to the World” and “Jingle Bells” can be a time of sadness for many dealing with the death of loved ones. While grief counseling is available year-round, holiday-specific seminars are becoming more common.
Rev. Pam Stewart, an elder at Tomoka United Methodist Church, 1000 Old Tomoka Road, is also a chaplain with Vitas, a hospice provider. She offered grief counseling by Vitas at the church during the holidays, Thanksgiving through Dec. 16.
“People have memories associated with Thanksgiving, as well as Christmas,” she said. “We stop before Christmas so people can travel.”
She said Vitas is multicultural and has no religious affiliations, but religious information is available to those who are interested.
In Palm Coast, Haven Hospice, at 608 East Moody Blvd., offers year-round counseling and seminars, according to Marlene Almanza, manager of provider relations.
“We have one-on-one sessions and also group counseling,” she said.
Haven Hospice is not associated with a church or a hospital and has locations in 18 Florida counties, including offices in DeLand and New Smyrna Beach.
Rita Derr, 66, who now lives with her sister in Lake Helen, attended an individual session at Haven Hospice last year. Her husband died Nov. 29, 2011.
As the holidays approached this year, she decided to take advantage of a group session being offered by Haven Hospice in DeLand.
“The hardest times for me are the holidays,” said Derr. “I seem to hurt more with all the memories associated.”
She said before the counseling, she had a hard time talking about her feelings.
“People say they understand, but unless a person has been through it, they don’t know what you’re going through,” Derr said.
She said at last year’s session, the counselor told her she was suppressing her emotions, so she tried to open up.
“It was like taking a weight off my shoulders,” she said.
She said she still has more feelings to get out, but the group sessions are helping.
“They have a good understanding of what you’re going through,” she said. “It’s easier to talk about what you’re really feeling.”
Derr also keeps a journal to express her thoughts and feelings. And she volunteers in the Haven Hospice office in DeLand.
“It keeps me from sitting at home,” she said. “It helps me from getting depressed.”
Stewart agrees that it's hard for most people to relate to what the grieving person is going through. For example, many don’t realize the first couple of months after a loss are foggy for the grieving person.
“The fog helps you deal with it,” she said. “I call it God’s cushion.”
She said our culture dictates that when three months have gone by, it’s time to stop grieving.
“Employers will give you three days for grief leave. Friends send you a card and then don’t want to hear about it anymore,” she said. “But it takes three months before are people are ready to verbalize. They are just coming out of the fog.”
Holidays can be especially difficult for people who had been married for a long time, she added. Grieving people also have a tendency to remove themselves from social situations.
“Sometimes grieving people will feel like they want to go somewhere but it when it comes along they don’t feel like going,” she said. “I tell them they have permission to do that. They may be having a blue day.”
She said she keeps the seminar informational at the beginning with no pressure to share personal experiences. Then later, she said, people begin to open up when they feel comfortable. And that’s when the healing begins.
“Some people say, 'Throw yourself into something to forget,’ but that’s just delaying grief,” she said. “If you cover a wound up, it will fester. You need to feel the pain and let the scar form.”
The church also offers The Longest Night of the Year, a Christian Service at 3 p.m. on Dec. 22.
“It’s recognizing winter solstice,” she said. “Nights are also long for people who are grieving.”
She said “Longest Night of the Year” is a Christmas service that recognizes that the season is not always merry for everyone.
“The first Christmas was not a happy time,” she said. “They were searching for shelter, a place to stay.”
