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Ormond Beach Observer Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2013 6 years ago

Fun with the Royals: Tidings of comfort and joy, from Cambridge


You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t seem quite as hilariously witty or sharp as usual this morning, guys. It’s just that, as I’m sure is the case with all of you, I’ve been partying pretty nonstop since the announcement of the Royal Baby’s birth this week and, well, after a while, all those late nights tend to take their toll, you know?

It’s been days, and I still have the buzz of kazoos ringing in my ears. But let me tell you: It was all well worth it.

In case you’ve been living under a rock recently, let me help get you up to speed with a CNN headline I stumbled across Tuesday. It really says it all. It read, “World awaits first glimpse of Kate and William’s royal baby boy.”

And man, they weren’t kidding.

I heard on the radio the same day that even African kids were so thrilled about their grueling wait being over that they took a minute to stop whining so much about the whole “being hungry” thing to write Kate and William (please, first-name basis only) letters of congratulations.

Egyptians put the whole “revolution” shtick on hold to Skype with members of the Royal Family and flash salutary thumbs up.

George Zimmerman tweeted, “OMG first not guilty now this? Best. Month. Ever! #RoyalBabyRocks”

Personally, I took the week off. I silenced my cell phone. I severed relationships. There was just too much happening, big picture-wise, to worry about Ormond Beach and my silly, little life, I thought.

Here’s the lead of the CNN story.

“London (CNN) — All eyes are glued Tuesday to the hospital where Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, and husband Prince William welcomed their first child as a joyful public waits for its first glimpse of the new royal heir.”

And don’t, for one second, think this is just another classic case of media sensationalism. I saw the photos. Crowds — what some lesser-plugged-in viewers might confuse as a truly insane number of people, or a movie set packed with extras, or the line to a Justin Bieber concert — crowded the Buckingham Palace gates for any scraps of information they might gather about the throne’s new third in line.

There was celebratory gunfire. The bells of Westminster Abbey, where the duke and duchess were married, were sounded for three-plus hours straight. A town crier, decked out in bright blue feathers, a crazy-cool hat and a scroll (you can’t make this stuff up) screamed the birth announcement outside the very hospital where all this magic happened.

Some of the people gathered outside the gates were even wearing Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge paper masks. No joke.

Of course, after seeing this, I immediately searched online to acquire a few of my own. (They’re supposed to arrive by the weekend.)

The best part about all this, though, is that it’s still not over. Bookies everywhere are taking bets on what the royal squirt’s name is going to be.

Personally, I have $100 on Fester.

I just think it has a nice ring to it. Prince Fester. But if Fester’s taken, my money’s on Skeeter. Both simply scream power, respect and class. But best of all, they add a little New World to the old monarchy tradition, which I don’t see as necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, if I had to choose one thing to criticize about the high family — and you’d really be twisting my arm here — it would probably be that sometimes it has a habit of seeming a little old fashioned and stuffy.

Clear the cobwebs, I say! Shake things up. It’s time for a little rebranding.

Start with Prince Fester and, who knows, maybe soon we’ll even catch a royal in a tabloid doing something that, just a few years prior, would have seemed totally unthinkable, like wearing a t-shirt. We already know from TV commercials that members of the British upper-class are huge on Grey Poupon. That’s a given. But wouldn’t it be something to read a report of a future Prince Fester grabbing for a jar of yellow French’s from the grocery store shelves?


Now that’s what I’d call progress.


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