Move aside, Barack and Mitt: It's time to vote for Trader Joe

Ormond Beach Observer
Business

The presidential election is yesterday’s news. And all this democracy has gotten me hungry.

If you’re anything like me, though, you’re a sophisticated shopper. You’ll buy groceries at Publix or Winn-Dixie, sure, but you’ll do it with a chip on your shoulder.

“Oh, I’ll pay,” I tell the cashier through my teeth every time I check out, dangling my money just out of her reach. “But I won’t be happy about it.”

If you’re like me, you’ve also already signed the petition to bring Trader Joe’s to Ormond Beach.

Launched in April, this document now has 976 signatures and is making a push for 1,000 before Thanksgiving. When a grand is reached, the list will be printed and sent to the store’s CEO, attached to a letter saying something like:

Dear Mr. Joe,

Disregard your reports and advisors and analyses and research and studies and strategy and blah, blah, blah. We have the perfect place for your next location! There’s this old, abandoned Food Lion over on Granada that you’re just going to love. Now, we’re not going to lie to you: It’s a fixer-upper. But if there’s anyone to give it just the right amount of TLC, we know it’s you.

Trust us. Have we ever steered you wrong?

Sincerely,

One-thousand people

P.S. Let’s maybe work on the name, too. We love your store, but “Trader Joes” sounds sort of hick-ish, don’t you think?

P.P.S. Just a thought.

P.P.P.S. No pressure.

P.P.P.P.S. Really not a deal-breaker.

So, obviously, I signed. I mean, petitioning is the very lifeblood of democracy! It proves that every vote counts. It’s the quintessence of public rule.

But lately, people tell me my passion for petitioning has gotten out of hand

Maybe it’s because I got my friends and family to sign a petition last week urging my roommate to chop-chop and make me dinner. Or maybe it has something to do with the “My other pet is a PETITION” decal I stuck to the back of my dog.

Who could know for sure?

The point is, it’s getting old. The people have spoken. And I’ve hardly gotten a single name on my petition directing naysayers to pipe down and buy me an ice cream.

Sign for Trader Joe’s at facebook.com/TJinOB.

Election daze

Here are some politically inspired academic musings. Warning: for intellectuals only.

Every influential duo worth remembering has been given a hybrid name. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez got Bennifer; Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had Brangelina. These are great because, even once the couple splits, we’re left with something lasting to cherish. Baromney should be no different.
I’ve decided to classify my friends into red and blue parties. You just sound smarter if, instead of telling people you “went to a rave” last weekend, you say you “attended a spirited caucus.”
Gallup polls are sorely underused in social situations. So, I’ve decided to start citing fake Gallup polls whenever I need to defend a point. “What do you mean ‘Glee’ is a better show than ‘The Walking Dead’? The latest Gallup poll shows ‘Dead’ up two points.”
This is the perfect crime, being that I’m in the media. People will assume I have integrity and won’t make this stuff up. That will be their first mistake.
Plus, increasing the per-capita usage of “Gallup” in my vocabulary definitely won’t hurt the cowboy image I’ve been cultivating lately. At least, I reckon it won’t.

BY MIKE CAVALIERE | ASSOCIATE EDITOR