Pennywise tips for V-Day wooing

Ormond Beach Observer
Opinion

Ladies, sit this one out. I have something important to say to the men out there and, as countless bullies have told me in the past, on the playground and on first dates: This is an A-B conversation, so C your way out of it.

OK, men, now that we’re alone, let’s strategize this potential Valentine’s Day debacle we have on our hands.

Named after Gus Valentine, the Patron Saint of Making His Buddies Look Bad, Valentine’s Day is all about approach. Despite what TV might tell you, not all women crave jewels and cars and fancy Cracker Barrel dinners on V-Day. No, no. Mostly, they just want to feel loved, and special.

Here’s how you do that without spending much money.

Months before Feb. 14, start talking a lot about the “mainstream,” and how so much of today’s throwaway culture is cheap and surface-level. After you’ve established yourself as a bonafide social renegade, bring up V-Day, and scoff at the idea of needing greeting card companies to remind you to show your schnookums affection.

“How dare they?!” you’ll rave about Hallmark and Kay Jewelers. “Who does this Russell Stover think he is, anyway!?”

Then, a few days before V-Day, buy her something out of the blue (and the bargain bin). This shouldn’t be heart-related in any way, and will run you about $3.95. This display of spontaneity will blow her mind, while proving that you really are, deep down, a thoughtful and hopeless romantic.

Remember: V-Day rebellion is an act of principle, not frugality. Why would you get her $60 flowers like everybody else when she’s so unlike everybody else?

She’s a snowflake. That’s why, on Feb. 11 when all of her friends got zip from their hubbies, she got a classic Phil Collins cassette tape and a funny cat calendar, just because.

Now (wink-wink), she’s officially special.

See, the most important thing is for her to feel like you’re in this together, like you have a secret, some unique understanding of the world. Sure, you care about her — that’s why you gave her all those coupons for free smooches today — but, never forget, you two are above all this commercialized nonsense.

You’re so in love that all you need on Valentine’s Day is each other. Oh, yeah, that’s good — use that. Even give her a smooch for free — tell her she can save the coupons for later.

Then top it off with a single rose (99 cents).

Finally, the finale: cook for her, something fancy, like frozen pizza.

Now, I may not be a love doctor, but if all this doesn’t make her swoon, I’ll give you all your money back. And to my calculations, I’d owe you $4.94.

BY MIKE CAVALIERE | ASSOCIATE EDITOR

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