Snakes: the perfect addition to any backyard

Ormond Beach Observer
Opinion

Like most men, I am very proud of myself when I complete certain routine tasks. When I do the dishes, I would happily accept a medal around my neck if someone would only offer. And when I finish mowing the lawn, and I walk inside all sweaty and covered with those little Velco-like seeds, I am always disappointed when my wife and kids fail to erupt into cheers.

After mowing the lawn last week, I wanted attention so badly that I made the mistake of telling everyone what I had seen in the grass.

“A snake,” I said.

“What?!” my wife said. “A snake!”

“Actually two snakes.”

“You’re joking.”

At that point, I decided not to tell her about the wasp nest growing on the bathroom window, the slimy black lizard about the size of a rotten banana climbing the side of the house, or the pale, dead, third snake that was draped over the edge of the air conditioning unit with its tongue hanging out.

“Not joking,” I said. “Two snakes. One right after the other, wiggling out into the woods.”

“We got to run away from snakes,” my 4-year-old, Ellie, said.

Grant, 7, had other ideas: “No, you have to ask for a weapon and kill it.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “It wasn’t poisonous.”

But my wife saw right through my reassuring tones. She said: “You have no idea.”

Well.

I’ll show her. Let me just pull up some interwebs and learn a thing or two about snakes. First, I found an identification guide. But considering I only saw flashes of it through the grass before it disappeared, I didn’t have much chance at a positive ID.

Instead, I found this, from the website of the Florida Museum of Natural History:

“If you have snakes around your house, you should feel lucky as they are there for a reason. All snakes are carnivorous and a benefit to humans. For example, ratsnakes eat rodents such as mice and rats, and kingsnakes eat these rodents as well as other snakes, including venomous snakes.”

If there is anything that makes me feel better about my backyard, it’s that snakes are out there enjoying a bite of rat, and also eating each other.

“If you find a snake in your backyard, swimming pool, or garage,” the website states, “do not try to kill it! Instead, try to identify it, and if it is non-venomous, appreciate it and leave it alone just as you do with songbirds in your garden. However, if you are uncertain or it is a venomous species, either leave it alone or carefully catch and release it in nearby woods.”

The website then gives instructions for catching snakes in garbage cans. But be careful with North American racers and coachwhips, which are “fast-moving and may be longer than the garbage can.”

Hmm. I suppose I could bring a garbage can out with me when I mow the lawn next time. Or maybe, I’ll just wear my running shoes for a quick escape. And, if I ever do see any snakes, I’ll keep my big mouth shut and just start doing the dishes.