- April 23, 2024
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The country has been rocked this past week with a government shutdown, the end of “Breaking Bad” (only a slightly bigger blow than the shutdown), the pink-everywhere start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the texting-while-driving ban — not to mention I made my annual trip to the dollar store yesterday and bought $37 worth of the tackiest Halloween decorations I could find.
So, needless to say, pretty big week
But even with all that excitement, I look around and all I see are unhappy people: people worried about their federal jobs, about cancer, about what they’ll watch on TV now on Sunday nights.
Personally, I’ve always been a huge proponent of complaining, one of the movement’s main supporters, in fact. I’m actually something of a complaint auteur — not to brag, but I write and direct all of my own rants. And I’m fairly well reviewed. A critic once called me “incorrigible.” I know.
But my point is, we need a distraction. And complaining works.
So here are five things I would have rather seen shut down this week instead of the government.
1. Bobbing for apples: If you’re a fan of dunking your gaping pie hole into a bucket of standing water littered with half-eaten fruit, dandruff shards and other people’s saliva, then bobbing for apples is the game for you. If you’re older than 7 and fall into this category, you should be ashamed of yourself.
2. Bumping into acquaintances in public: You’re minding your business in the cereal aisle when — bam! — you notice the kid who sat behind you in eighth-grade math eyeing the Count Chocula. Did he recognize you? Should you make first contact?
YOU: “Heyyy, look who it is!” (Inner monologue: Is it Bobby? Brandon? Maybe Bud?)
HIM: “Whoa, long time no see!” (I was kinda hoping for forever time no see, but OK.)
YOU: “So long! So, you, uh, still slaving over those fractions?” (Oh yeah, hit him with some common ground. Look at me: I’m the small-talk king. Take that, Brian! Or, Ben? Is it Ben?)
HIM: “Ha! Well, not much. It’s been 15 years, so ...” (I’d like to fraction your stupid face.)
YOU: “Yeah.” (Abort! Abort!)
HIM: “Yeah.” (Keep smiling, just never stop smiling ...)
So no more. From now on, we all get assigned times to go to stores, the movie theater, the bar, so as not to risk these types of social disasters. You go outside of your assigned time and you’re promptly arrested and shot from a cannon out to sea.
3. People with mustaches: It’s 2013. Come on.
4. Dating: Somewhere along the line, movies and TV thought it would be a fun prank to portray dating as a carefree laugh-riot. You know: Chandler sees someone attractive at the coffee shop — during one of those days we all just hang at the coffee shop, in our spare time, for fun; and he approaches her — she’s single, obviously, well-adjusted and doesn’t think he’s crazy at all!
Days pass, and soon the two become inseparable — until he sees her eat her peas one at a time and dumps her flat. Then they both meet new people the next day at the bank and try again, all optimism. Neither person ever even suffers from debilitating bouts of stress-diarrhea. (So unrealistic, right?)
So, new rule: If you didn’t marry your high school sweetheart, sorry but you’re done. Either that or we all put our names into a hat and Obama picks them two at a time.
5. The dollar store: I’m no fool: Going out of business means a 50%-off, going-out-of-business sale, and that means I can score another 37 Halloween decorations for only $18.50!
Yes, I realize a closure would mean more lost jobs in a down market, maybe a few families out on the street, but you’ve got to break a few eggs in order to deck out my house in an utterly gratuitous number of orange streamers and foam pumpkins (99% sure that’s how that saying goes). You understand what I’m talking about: the Greater Good.
It’s important in times of crisis not to lose sight of what’s important.
BY MIKE CAVALIERE | ASSOCIATE EDITOR
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